Thursday, October 1, 2015

Am I a modern man?

Let's see.  According the NY Times  . . . 

Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

I know my wife's shoes are smallish, but I don't know their exact size.  As for knowing which brands run big or small, I would not presume to buy shoes for her in any event.  She knows better than to buy shoes for me.  She makes fun of all my boots anyway.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

I'm not sure what is meant by confidence sinking.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

I don't eat popcorn except out of my son's popcorn box.  Then I eat it when I'm hungry. I generally don't go to movies with quiet moments.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

I think steak is a right, not a privilege, but sure, eat the whole thing. Even the fur.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Good lord, is this gay enough for you?

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

Well, sometimes I unplug my kid's "electronic devices" so I can plug my phone in.  It's my charger, I paid for it, and they can use their own damn chargers if they can find them in their messes of rooms.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

I don't drink Dew or Coke or Dr Pepper.  I will drink a Diet Coke if that's all you have.  I prefer milk, water or scotch.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Geez, now you're not supposed to say "chopper"?  Oh, i guess I wouldn't want too be un tres gauche simpleton, would I?

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

I thought I would have liked a daughter before I read this guy.  But boys are great.  You just have to beat them every once in a while.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

You haven't heard of a dishwasher?  We take turns putting them away. Fair is fair.

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I don't know what this means so I guess I haven't.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

I guess this just proves that women/girls really care about this stuff. We're still working on replacing empty toilet rolls and putting the lid down.

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

WTF is Wu-Tang?

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Nah, the phone is great because your spouse can email you the list.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

We don't have hardwood flooring because it's expensive and impractical.  We have shag carpeting, which is inexpensive and impractical.  The plan is to replace it with some of that newfangled laminate flooring and tile that will I hope hide the dirt.  Stay tuned.

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

I sleep closer to the door because I like it that way, and because I'm closer to the gun safe.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

[See number 5.]

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

For heaven's sake, he can buy one, if he wants to, can't he?  They're probably like two bucks at Amazon.

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

I thought he had a spouse, not a wife. I'm confused now.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

A "little spoon"?  Seriously?  What is he?  Eight? Seriously, dude, you need to make sure your wife isn't stepping out on you with the carpenter or somebody.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

If I had a daughter, she would be stuffing pieces of raw venison in her mouth, and I wouldn't scold her for the blood running down her chin.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

Who gets a newspaper anymore?  But I approve of wandering around half-naked or even all naked.

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

I gather Michael Mann is some sort of big Hollywood person but honestly I haven't heard of him until I googled him just now.  Ridley Scott I've heard of. I don't think you can tell the difference between the highest quality thing and the pretty damn cheap next best thing.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

If my phone runs out of juice, I recharge it.  I don't really understand this. You can recharge it off of your cigarette lighter, you know.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

I don't own any guns either, except for my Springfield XD Tactical .40.  I want to get a bullpup 12 gauge and some sort of all purpose battle carbine, but you start shopping for one and pretty soon you get fixated on whether you want a NATO round or maybe a 30 06 but that's really a hunting rifle, and then you'd need a big safe to put it in. It's just too much.  So something cheap. But then you start dolling it up with sights and slings and such.  I wonder what happened to my Dad's old guns. I assume you're not counting samurai swords, battle hammers and other stuff you can get at Cold Steel. Those are just for fun.  I guess I have quite a few Sjamboks.  For snakes.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I cried when my Dad died.  I cried when my Mom died.  I cried when we had to put Biscuit down.  I cried when I thought we would have to put B-girl down but she pulled through.  I cried when we had to put Denali down.  I cried at the end of Marly and me.  That's a lot of crying.  So I guess I'm OK on this one.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

Yeah, yeah, in his Kenneth Coles.  Sadly, I'm not much of a dancer. But if I'm drunk and somebody puts on Bob Segar, I will try most earnestly.

Brian Lombardi lives in DeKalb, Ill., with his wife, Linda, and their three children.

Three daughters.

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Not a Mtn Dew fan? Next you will be hating on goatees.

Posted by: Jonathan | Oct 2, 2015 9:22:06 AM

Well, his wife's 3 daughters anyway.

Posted by: doc | Oct 2, 2015 1:25:23 PM

The list is an eye-opener, especially the items I don't understand. (Numbers 11, 12, 13, and 20, obviously.)

Posted by: dearieme | Oct 3, 2015 4:36:13 AM