Get a clue and be a boy mom Tom Smith

This is really annoying. (via here) I feel for these boys, and maybe for the dad too.  The boys love astronomy and space and Mom worries that, what -- you know, some of those always hard to define anxieties that are so typical of our chattering classes.  I just worry that . . . gender stereotypes, am I a good mother, should I do this or that, etc. etc.

This leaves me with a guilty question: What do you do when your children's interests don't match your own? Do you do your utmost to cultivate genuine enthusiasm and expertise? Do you fake it? Or do you keep the faith with your own passions, figuring you're teaching a lesson about assertion of selfhood and independence?

Give me a break.  Rocket science ain't exactly rocket science.  (But as to "keeping the faith . . ." -- A+ for coming up with a rationalization for being selfish, a useful skill to be sure.  And FWIW I read that thing in the NYTimes Mag about improving a companionate marriage.  That poor guy.)

Here's what you do.  First, it's not about you.  Stop worrying and do something.  The infinite gradations of navel gazing anxiety about whether you are a good mom are about as intriguing as the angst of the little miss who just got her first A-.  Step 1 :  It's.  Not.  About.  You.

Then, as to whether you should encourage their interest in all things space?  Well duh!  Of course you should!  Who cares if you are not interested in it.You want to talk to your boys about marriages?  Are you out of your mind?  If they could have any sort of conversation with you about this topic, they would be absolute freaks, broken hearted over the discontinuation of Oprah.  Yikes.

Do you have get interested in astronomy etc.?  No, not really.  My LWJ is not interested in astronomy and neither are my boys in spite of my best efforts.  But at least they're not interested in "marriage" as a topic either.  If I tried to say anything meaningful about marriage to them, they would look at me skeptically and then say "that's the gayest thing I've ever heard."  But here's the thing -- you have to act interested and do everything you would do if you were interested.  See Rule 1.  We do share lots interests.  History, politics, weaponry, martial arts, dogs etc.  Astronomy never took.  But if you get involved it may take and if it doesn't for you, well, that's why they call it being a parent.  Salmon swim upstream, drop their eggs or milt, then do the aquatic equivalent of limping away, and die.  Seems like a pretty good deal to me.  But yes, sometimes you may have to fake it.  Trust me, your authentic, passionate self will not suffer any permanent damage and you may even find putting somebody else's interest first actually feels sort of good after a while.  I'm betting your boy-momhood is programmed more deeply that all the crap the NY Times magazine has shoveled on top.

What should you do now?  This is easy.  Nothing says I love and support you to a guy (including a boy) like buying him cool stuff.  Girls seem to want to talk about things -- I'm not really sure, but that seems to be the case.  But boys, God bless 'em, love things.  And space and astronomy is full of cool stuff you can buy.  First, books!  There is a treasure trove of cool popular astronomy books out there.  I will just provide this really excellent first book (pick any astro book by Ferris -- they're all great), and you can take it via Amazon recommender from there.  Why not buy your boys a dozen great astro-books for Christmas?!  I would be thrilled if my boys wanted such.  You should be too.  Because, among other things, astronomy leads everywhere -- physics and math, of course, but also philosophy, history, theology, engineering, and on and on.  It is the universe from the point of view of wonder.

Second, gear!  There is so much great stuff you can buy your boys to help them look at the sky.  Begin with a kick-ass set of binoculars.  The process of narrowing this down would be delicious in itself to many of us, but I'm guessing you're not going to be one to saturate the back  pages of Sky & Telescope with drool from your optical lusts, so let me just recommend, hmm, ah, let's see, a nice set like this! A great value!  Then as soon as possible, if their interest grows, a great big telescope!  With the new technology, they are just awesome.  Just get them an 8" SCT from Meade or Celestron, and you won't go wrong.  But that's something they should research themselves.

I think the reasons boys might be more interested in astronomy that girls is;  well, you know what?  Who cares.  Another really useful thing to get is a good sky watching program for your computer.  I am not current on this, but this used to be thought a good one.  I'm sure there are goods ones out there for less money.

And get them a subscription to Sky & Telescope and Astronomy magazines.  Right away!  The universe is not getting any younger!

Comments

[pchuck]

Tom, I gotta say this is one of your best culture-war riffs in a long time. Keep it up.

[dearieme]

But what makes you suppose that the silly cow is capable of seeing your point? Mind you, I don't agree with your point anyway: "But here's the thing -- you have to act interested and do everything you would do if you were interested." No, no, no. Leave the poor bleeders be. Ask them what they'd like for birthdays and Christmas - that's your chance to buy them a telescope or what-have-you. Otherwise, don't spoil them, make sure they do their homework with no "help", offer them the occasional chance to take an interest in whatever genuinely interests you (boats and books worked for me, golf didn't), consistently show them good examples of civilised behaviour, get them used to drinking in small, companionable amounts, but otherwise let them alone. Apart from that, just be sure to let them buy motorbikes at the first opportunity.

[SgtDad]

Well said. I notice that it never really occurs to Bazelon that the boys' father may be useful. Like, you know, being a Dad. But then, being Dad is not about her, so why ponder the notion?

We have a whole generation of people who are developmentally stuck at around age 16, as Bazelon shows. Worse, it has not dawned on her that boys are different than girls, PC propaganda notwithstanding.

And marriage is her concern? She is a self-obsessed adolescent: her concept of marriage how to make it all about her. I feel sorry for her husband who must be the only grown-up in that family.